In the fall of 2011 I reached what felt like rock bottom. I was having difficulty completing work for my clients and I wasn’t doing well physically or emotionally. It was a very dark time in my life. The way of life that I understood to be “Christian” was exhausting and I wasn’t sure it wasn’t worth it. By that point, my relationship with God had become more of a show or mask. I remember telling my parents, “If this is what God is like, I don’t think I want Him any more.”
A close friend pointed me to Psalm 88 and read through it with me. You know how most Psalms have at least some joy in them? This one doesn’t have much. But as my friend pointed out, that’s ok. Life isn’t always sugarplums and roses. The author of this Psalm is pouring their heart out to God even though they don’t understand what’s happening in their life. At that point, I wasn’t even sure I had the faith to talk with God. Now that I look back, I can see God was right with me, every step of the way. It took a long time, much longer than I wanted it to, but eventually I was able to see God’s love for me, as I was: saved by grace, not by the works I thought would save me.
I wish I could say everything has been great since then. It hasn’t been. I’m learning that life is full of ups and downs (maybe I’m the last to learn this). But, I do know this: God has been with me and will continue to walk with me, through the valleys and the mountain tops.
Psalm 89:1-2I will sing of the Lord’s great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations. I will declare that your love stands firm forever, that you have established your faithfulness in heaven itself.
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